I do thoroughly enjoy fashion. I like Armani and Prada. For upscale-casual. Band of Outsiders is great. I’m a quasi-hipster when it comes to my wardrobe, but I’m about maintaining individuality. I have a huge addiction to colorful socks because when you have an opportunity to be creative, why pass it up? I grew up in San Francisco, a great vintage-clothing community, and one of my fixations is vintage shoes and clothes.
Oscar Wilde, The Critic As Artist
"The show must go… all over the place or something."
I’m breathing now, just typing the period at the end of that sentence. It has taken me two weeks to write it down and muster up the courage to admit what has been weighing on my soul for so very long.
I’ve been in unworldly, excruciating pain for five years now. And that is the driving force and sole reason for this addiction. I did not ever take a pill for fun or to get high. In fact, I can remember each instance in which I took more than I was prescribed (only ever one or two pills more) and since I have come to understand the nature of my addiction, I have never repeated these actions. I was so desperate to lessen my pain. I still am.
I was prescribed narcotics for two reasons: to manage my huge amount of pain and to subsequently withstand the extra pain my rigorous treatment regimen adds to my body. Getting better hurts like hell. So when the treatments went on for longer than planned, or they failed and I ended up switching treatments, I continued to use my prescribed narcotics. Medications meant for a few months were used for a year. Truly, I did not ever expect this to happen to me.
My family is working non-stop to find a treatment center that will allow me to eat a healthy, Lyme-friendly diet, continue taking my supplements, and keep me monitored in an inpatient setting. It is much harder than it sounds! I am currently at home, medications closely monitored but not taken away. I am far too addicted for home-detoxification. If you have any suggestions or experiences to share, I would love to hear from you.
Something else I should admit? I am terrified of living without pain medicine. I am on such a high dose of narcotics now and I still am bedridden with pain, so how will I live with nothing? I have begged God for answers, for any other way but rehab, for any other way than to give up my medications, but I know what I must do. I will lose my life if I continue. Somehow, I will have to be my own hero and save myself.
I never expected to feel this profound amount of self-loathing, shame, embarrassment, sadness, and disappointment in myself. I have been reassured that this was not my fault, but as I drown in this cloud of addiction, I cannot see it. I have never hated myself in my entire life…until now. Please, I am asking for thoughts, prayers, good vibes, warm fuzzies…anything you are kind enough to send my way in these next few weeks.
Truly, I am so thankful to know and love all of you. Thank you for reading!